Baby A

It's been over a month.  We were on top of the world on March 20th and then hit a new low on March 22nd.  We learned a lot.  We grew a lot.  We (I) cried a lot.  We hung on tightly to our two beautiful boys, and the amazing support from our family and friends.  We went from "We can't possibly try this again," to "Put our name on the list for waiting families," in just a few days.  We had probably one of the hardest disruptions people can encounter.  We were there for a c-section scheduled on the 18th.  Spent the day comforting the birthmother as they kept pushing back her delivery, until finally they sent us/and her home.  Spent the next day waiting/wondering.  Came back to the hospital on the 20th.  Birthmother had the baby.  We were there (not in the OR, but waiting outside).  Birthmother immediately included us and handed her over to us to care for her for the following two days.  She continued to talk to us, bond with us and tell us she was going through with the adoption.  She saw the baby only once in those two days.  WE filled out the birth certificate paperwork.  WE named the precious baby girl.  We left Thursday night thinking papers would be signed the next day, and got a call at 7:00 in the morning that in the middle of the night birthmother had changed her mind and couldn't do it. 

There is a picture of me holding the baby right after I met her.  I won't share it.  In my smile you can tell everything I am thinking.  It is NOT my real smile.  It is an "I'm scared.  I'm happy.  I'm anxious.  This is awkward.  This is amazing.  This is...what is this??  Is this my daughter?" smile. 

We haven't shared much about the baby.  She was 7 pounds 4 oz.  She was/is beautiful.  She just wasn't/isn't ours.  I wish her the absolute best.  I wish the birthmother the absolute best.  I don't have any hard feelings toward the birthmother.  She was in a situation that I can't possibly try and understand.  I think she really thought she was going to go through with it, until the moment hit her in the face and she realized that she couldn't. 

We named her Adaline.  We were going to call her Addie.  Cullen said he was going to call her Adaline. 

I did try and guard my heart.  Some of you may think I didn't... but I did.  And I think if I hadn't done what I did to prepare myself, the fall, and the bouncing back would have been MUCH worse.  I even thought about things like..."Can I kiss her little face?"  At one point when we were in the room with the baby, Cullen leaned over and gave her a kiss.  I asked him if he had just kissed her and he said yes.  He quickly said, "Can we do that?"  I told him I had wanted to all day, but hadn't let myself do it yet.  He responded, "I'll kiss any baby I want!"  We laughed.  It was a moment of a nervous let down, where we figured...what is the harm if we kiss this little one?  Possibly more attachment for us...but for her...she deserved to be kissed in her first few days.  If not from her birthmother, than from us.  I told him that it sounded like a slogan that needed to be on a t-shirt.  "I'll kiss any baby I want!"  Or better yet, something a politician would say after kissing a baby. 

So where are we now?  We are waiting.  We have been told of some situations that haven't panned out.  We know there are more that we don't know of, but aren't being told about to spare us unnecessary excitement/hope.  We know of a mom with identical twin girls, but it sounds like she is backing out now...better now than later.  We have been told to rest assured that in (at most) 6-9 months we will be the parents to a daughter...could be sooner, could be more, we just don't know.

We are name searching again.  I can't use Adaline.  I LOVE the name...but we have named a child that name.  It would feel wrong to name another one Adaline.  Bad karma maybe, and maybe just raw feelings.  Luckily, I have a long list of girl names...and Cullen and I agree on quite a few...nothing like when we have tried to name boys!!  Hayden and Sawyer, you are Hayden and Sawyer because those were literally the only two boy names we could agree on! 

I love my family.  I love my God.  I love my life.  Some days are just tough not knowing.  I'm trying to be patient and still...but that goes way against my nature.  I know some day we will look back on this and think, "wow, that wasnt' so bad!"  And "WOW, that was WORTH it!"  I'm just kind of ready for that "worth the wait day." 

Thank you for your prayers, and please don't let them stop!  We haven't seen this plan out yet.